Lighter side of computers 2

Statistics	There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics (attributed to Mark Twain) Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with confidence. Statistics is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with 95% confidence. If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then nine times out of ten it will.
Computers	To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. In God we trust. All others must bring data. The Three Laws of Secure Computing: 1) Don't buy a computer; 2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in; 3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. Software Development Cycle 1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. 2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. 4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. 5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. 6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. 7. Users find 137 new bugs. 8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. 9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. 10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department employees a postcard from Hawaii. Entire testing department quits. 11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. 12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. 13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free... Acronyms CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months ISDN: It Still Does Nothing DOS: Defunct Operating System WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too PnP: Plug and Pray APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity IBM: I Blame Microsoft MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
School	How different Departments grade the final exams: Dept of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. Dept of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. Dept of History: All students get the same grade they got last year. Dept of Religion: Grade is determined by God. Dept of Philosophy: What is a grade? Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. Dept of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. Dept of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade. Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). Dept of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.
School: Notes from parents	My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today, Please execute him. Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Please excuse Fred for being. It was his father's fault. Please excuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33. Mary could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins. Fred has an acre in his side. Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary. She has been sick and under the doctor. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(crossed out), diahoah(crossed out), dyah(crossed out) ... the shits.